fight in the face of adversity

so in the last few posts i've talked about my impending 1st gup grading- how ready i am, dealing with my back injury, sparing etc.

For me i always find memory retention the hardest part of a grading- anything like improvised self defence and sparring is easy, i don't have to "learn" anything, i just react and do.

Things like forms and examples of pre established self defence techniques are a trial for me. The self defence stuff i understand is contrived, the value being in developing muscle memory and movement to enable thoughtlessly moving, linking or flowing through various applications. Forms i value because i know they are very self contained learning tools- it is just my memory that makes them hard... and maybe my desire to be good at them!

The big issue today is that i've put off grading now the last 3 training sessions and i want to put it off again tonight as i've copped a very hard emotional blow this week and it is affecting my concentration greatly. How can i grade when i can't think of anything but this issue that has arisen? The Master rolled his eyes at me the last couple of times when i made excuses, i hope it will be without grief accepted tonight when i explain. I struggle with memory as it is, let alone when under so much so much emotional grief!

If pressured, i'll give it my best and endevour to be as spirited as i can, it would certainly be a true test of my skill level, but as a perfectionist, i don't like doing any less than my best. This is my test.